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While you're at the shore, take a bucket of paint and a brush, paint the backs
of all the boats, and really get the folks annoyed at you as you
leave no stern untoned.
----------------------------------------------------
But what if it is true?
Lynn Persoff was sentenced for contempt of court in August for violating a
court order (on a divorce settlement) not to bad-mouth her ex-husband,
Myron. At a black-tie social event in Boca Raton, Fla., a community in
which both are well-known socialites, she called him a "moron."
----------------------------------------------------
Where do you want to go to jail
In January, Bernard Sexton, 26, of Cambridge, Ill., withdrew his guilty plea
to misdemeanor alcohol charges and pleaded instead to a related felony,
good for an 18-month sentence. Reason: The county jail where misdemeanants
are sent bans smoking, but the state prison permits it.
----------------------------------------------------
One way to take care of the world's population
The IRS has reported the "disappearance" of more than 8 million American
children during the late 1980s, "caused" by tax reform legislation. That
number is the total of all children claimed as dependents of beneficiaries of
child care tax credits before 1987 but who were never again claimed once the
IRS started requiring proof that such children existed.
----------------------------------------------------
let him die?
Brian Kernodle, 21, walked into a Key West hospital emergency room in January
with two hand grenades strapped to his body and demanded medical care. After
being promised care, he disarmed himself, explaining that he thought his
approach was the best way to ensure that he would get attended to in the busy
hospital.
----------------------------------------------------
It seems that in Florida, when EMS was just beginning many years ago,
there was an ER doctor on the med channels who was talking to paramedics
who were trying to restar a guy's heart, to no avail. As the medics
kept trying, the MD ordered every drug in the drug box into
the patient, in the hopes that *SOMETHING* would work. When his last
option was exhausted, in desperation, he asked "Is there a phone book
there?" The surprised medics answered affirmatively, and the MD asked
"Do you know this guy's name?" The bewildered medics again answered
yes. "OK," the doc said, "Look up his name and CROSS IT OUT..."
----------------------------------------------------
From: cj@modernlvr.wpd.sgi.com (C J Silverio)
Newsgroups: talk.bizarre
durrell@umaxc.weeg.uiowa.edu (Cyberpixie) writes:
Remember those Choose Your Own Adventure books you used to see?
I want to use that style to write technical manuals for
products in development.
"If this engineering decision is made, turn to page 40.
Otherwise, turn to page 62."
----------------------------------------------------
In article <2550@odin.cs.hw.ac.uk>, sfleming@cs.hw.ac.uk (Stewart T. Fleming)
writes:
A couple of literature-related topics this month :
The Director of one of Britain's radio stations has cancelled the
serialization of Tolstoy's epic "War and Peace". Ten weeks of the
series had been broadcast before it was realised that at the current
rate of progress, it would take approximately 70 years to complete the
book. As compensation, the station is now running a competition to win
a video commentary on the book. This comes in the form of a 3-video
set. In Russian. Without subtitles.
It could be worse. One of Japan's daily newspapers has been serialising
a novel for the past 20 years. It is expected to be published in a
40-volume hardback set "shortly".
Another BBC Radio programme (Radio 4's "Strange Tales") has revealed a
mysterious 250-year-old scandal involving the statue commemorating
William Shakespeare in Westminster Abbey. Sharp-eyed readers will note
that the inscription on the statue appears to be Prospero's famous
speech (which I have conveniently forgotten. "...The cloud-cupp'd
towers, the gorgeous palaces, Shall dissolve and leave not a wreck
behind..." ?) from "The Tempest" (generally taken to be W.S.'s last
play), but in fact it has been altered quite intentionally.
The difference has been noted for some while now, but the significance
has only recently become apparent. The chairman of the Baconian
Society, Mr Thomas Brockenham, claims that the inscription actually
contains a secret code, which when decoded using a cipher published in
1625 (!), reveals the claim that "The Tempest" was actually written by
Francis Bacon. More interestingly, the statue was erected by public
subscription by several prominent pupils of Bacon, including Alexander
Pope.
----------------------------------------------------
Subject: Do you know calculus?
From: lvron@earth.lerc.nasa.gov (Ronald E. Graham)
The differential of hi over ho is (ho d hi - hi d ho) over ho ho.
Subject: Local college offers Star Trek anthropology course
Newsgroups: rec.arts.startrek.info
An article in the Thursday,February 7 Free Lance-Star (Fredericksburg, VA)
by Michael Zitz was about an undergraduate anthropology course examining
episodes of Star Trek (TOS) for their anthropological relevance. The
instructor, Prof. Margaret Huber, had noticed that students who seemed
bored and listless during a review session for physical anthropology
perked up when she referred to an old Star Trek episode to make a point.
The course Anthropology 472: Anthology of Star Trek analyzes Star Trek as
a mirror of contemporary American culture and American attitudes about
other cultures. There is no dramatic criticism, film criticism, or
literary criticism involved, the focus is to teach the class to look at
the episodes with an anthropologist's eye. The 22 episodes chosen for
this class all demonstrate how American popular culture has led to a
mixture of fact and fiction. One example used is "The Paradise Syndrome",
in which Captain Kirk is stranded on an Earth-like planet that has
produced a civilization similar to that of Native Americans before the
intrusion of the white man.
The anthropological point of this episode is that American popular culture
portrays all Native Americans as Plains Indians, and that has resulted in
a mish-mash of dwellings, dress, rites, and symbols in the Star Trek
episode.
The instructor cautions that this is not a course for those students
looking for an easy A but a real anthropology course that uses material
that many of today's college students are already familiar with to examine
anthropological theory.
----------------------------------------------------
"TV is a medium (pause) because it is neither rare or well done."
Ernie Kovacs
----------------------------------------------------
Q: Why don't art students play hide and seek?
A: Because nobody wants to look for them.
----------------------------------------------------
I remember one mechanical engineer. When he stopped to think you could
practically smell the wood burning
----------------------------------------------------
musician jokes:
Q1: What's the difference between a trampoline and a viola?
Q2: What is the definition of a minor second?
Q3: What are burning oboes good for?
Q4: Why are bassoons better than oboes?
A1: You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline.
A2: Two oboes playing in unison.
A3: Lighting bassoons on fire.
A4: They burn longer.
----------------------------------------------------
Student Bloopers:
----------------
A hamlet is a little pig.
A gargoyle is seen on church towers and people's necks.
Faith is a quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
Chalk and sand can always be seperated by flirtation
The commandment, "Thou shalt not commit adultery," means that you should
not put water in milk, or cheat in any way similar.
The locusts were the chief plague in Egypt. They ate all the first-born.
Joseph was so straight that Pharaoh made a ruler of him.
If David had one fault, it was a slight tendency to adultery.
The wise men brought gifts of gold and frankfurters.
John the Baptist was beheaded with the Ax of the Apostles
The three wise men were Winken, Blinken, and Nod.
----------------------------------------------------
MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX
Please, don't drink
and derive.
Mathematicians
Against
Drunk
Deriving
----------------------------------------------------
Long ago, the Scots devised a fearsome battle tactic. As the
Scots neared their enemies, they would take cats, swing them 'round
and round above their heads. Then the cats would be sent sailing through
the air and land, clawing and biting, among the Scot's foes. This was
very effective. Word got out of this fearsome stratagem, and soon just
the sound of the cats, howling and screeming as they were whirled over
the heads of the Scotsmen, was enough to send even battle-hardened foes
into full retreat.
But the Scots began to run out of cats.
So they invented the Scottish bagpipe as a substitute.
And now you know ... the rest of the story. ;-)
----------------------------------------------------
Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month):
Don't Write On Walls!
(and underneath)
You want I should type?
----------------------------------------------------
(Thanx to Jim Ellingsen for providing this quote, and a reminder of this
WONDERFUL book ... MUST reading for any chocoholic with a sense of humor.)
As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple memory
aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time to order
chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, E, or U is the
proper time for chocolate.
-- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion"
----------------------------------------------------
With more than 12 billion catalogs being mailed annually, it's little wonder
that marketers are playing fast and loose with mailing lists. In one
particularly cruel move, the proprietors of a chocolate catalog purchased the
mailing list of a weight-loss organization. Chocolate sales rose almost
immediately, but the weight-loss group wised up and now keeps it clients' names
to itself.
----------------------------------------------------
If dreaming you are a muffler causes you to wake up exhausted, does
dreaming that you are a wheel rim cause you to awaken still tired?
----------------------------------------------------
(Another item from "News of the Weird":)
An Austin, Texas, grand jury indicted Michael Taylor, 25, last May for
registering to vote under 37 different names of dead people. Taylor denied
bad motives: "I wasn't going to use it for voting. It was just to be doing
something. I had some problems in my life."
(Indeed, none of the 37 had voted in the March 1990 primary.)
----------------------------------------------------
From: rubin@majorhavoc.apple.com (Owen Rubin)
I have to add the following sign to your list:
This sign is seen on several freeways around the S.F. Bay Area:
Speed
Enforced
By
Aircraft
(small picture
of a plane)
Makes me wonder what the pilot is going to do if I'm caught speeding?
Do they use F-16's? I can just imagine the Calif Hiway Patrol saying something
like: There is a speeder, lets shoot him down!!!!!
From: rubin@majorhavoc.apple.com (Owen Rubin)
A while back you posted a few strange traffic signs, to which I replied about
"speed enforced by aircraft".
Well, I was in Vancouver, Canada this past weekend and saw two more to add to
your collection. The signs read:
|------------|
| PLAYGROUND |
| |
| X X |
| X |
| X X |
| |
| Stop when |
| Occupied |
|------------|
|------------|
| SCHOOL |
| |
| X X |
| X |
| X X |
| |
| Stop when |
| Occupied |
|------------|
It was a rather large 'X', obviously meaning crosswalk (its a universal symbol
used alot in Canada for crosswalk signs). But to a visitor, the "X" was
not at all obvious. It looked like one of our railroad crossing X's, but with no
letters. It was also a light grey color on a white sign. SO the sign reads to me
that if the school or playground are occupied, you should stop. That could keep
you there a LONG time.
----------------------------------------------------
A major corporation bought a Cray to use in R&D. On a tour of the
department, a executive remarked that it was a lot of money for such a
small machine. The engineer countered that it did calculations 100 times
faster than their old machine, allowing them to things they only used to
dream of before. Impressed, the executive remarked it probably calculate
this huge spreasheet of his in under a second. Sadly, the engineer informed
his boss that Lotus didn't make a verious of 1-2-3 for the Cray. At this,
the executive remarked: "What do mean, its not PC-compatible?"
----------------------------------------------------
From: f88-som@nada.kth.se (Sead Omerov)
-"It's unbeliavable how the number of cars
is increasing." A driver sadly says to his friend.
-"Yes, really, you could say: As soon as you park
you car besides another car and turn your back
on them, they've made a baby."
A police officer stops a man driving in
the opposite direction in a one way street.
-"Didn't you see the arrow ?"
-"Arrow ?" the driver, obviously all saused,
replies,"I didn't even see the indians."
On a street, where the speed is limited
to 30mph the police stops a driver.
-"So then. Not only have you been driving
too fast, you've been overtaking where
it was not allowed. Your lights don't
work, your tyres all completely worn out...
This is surely going to cost you a lot.
What's your name ?"
-"Schtrodzuwskibladssmurtow Vocgelghfstulmfph."
-"Hmmmm...eh...well, I'll let you go
this time...but don't do it again."
A doctor is talking to a car mechanic:
-"Your debit several times more per hour
then we get paid for medical caring."
-"Yea, but you see, doc, you have always
the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam;
but we have to keep up to date with new
models coming every month."
----------------------------------------------------
From: "Dean Gottehrer" <FFDMG%ALASKA.BITNET@cornellc.cit.cornell.edu>
A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply
couldn't afford more children. They looked around and found an excellent
Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then...they found out she was going to
have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other
child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named
them Juan and Amal.
The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a
very amicable relationships. One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the
youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son.
She said to her husband "He is so handsome! I wish we had a picture like this
of our other son, too." He replied "Dear, they are twins. When you've seen
Juan you've seen Amal."
----------------------------------------------------
From: cms2839@isc.rit.edu (a.stranger)
------------------------------------------------------------
When it's really cold out I like to stand outside and watch all the
smokers pass out because they don't know when they're finished exhaling.
------------------------------------------------------------
"I've been smoking 5 packs a day for 10 years and my lung feels fine!"
(singular, not a typo)--------------------------~
------------------------------------------------------------
Okay, here's one in a Singapore newspaper some time ago:
(offending to smokers)
When you light up, you are not really the one smoking.
The cigarette is smoking ....
you are just the sucker at the other end !
------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't mind you smoking, it's when I'm breathing that it bothers me".
=========================================================================
Hi folks! Guess what? It's "Worst Joke Wednesday" time again here in
Philadelphia on Eagle-106! The winner got an all-expense paid trip for
two to the Bahamas for a week. Boy are the jokes ever BAD today. So hold
your nose and read on:
In 5th PLACE:
Q: What did Orville Reddenbacher say at noon?
A: Why don't you just pop in for lunch?
[I'm surprised this wasn't eliminated sooner.]
The 4th PLACE joke:
Q: What is Jeffrey Dahmer's favorite song?
A: "The First Time Ever I Sawed Your Face".
[ *Yawn*. Please, no more Dahmer-jokes.]
PLACING 3rd:
Q: Did you hear about the guy with 5 penises?
A: His pants fit him like a glove.
[The woman who told this joke got a "Nut-Hut" shower cap. Tah-dah!]
Here's 2nd PLACE:
My son came in one day and said "Mommy! Mommy! We're gonna play
Cowboys & Indians and I get to be the indian!" Next thing I knew
he had a red dot on his forehead and was serving "slurpees".
[This woman won $100. Not bad for a tasteless joke.]
*THE WINNER*
Q: What would you do if you had Santa Claus stuck in your chimney?
A: Use "Santa"-Flush.
[C'mon! You gotta be kiddin' me! Philadelphian's sure can be moronic.]
---
Thomas R. James, GE Aerospace/GESD, Moorestown, NJ USA 609/722-6673
INTERnet: JAMES@MUPPET.DNET.GE.COM GE-DECnet: MUPPET::JAMES
GE: We Bring Good Things to Life (Yeah, right...)
=========================================================================